Dear universe or people who care to read,
but don’t respond for whatever reason,
Note: I wanted to write in my old blog, but I felt a fresh new one may be a better idea.
They say patience is a virtue… I wish I
knew who they were. I hate waiting for things, it makes me anxious, sometimes I
just have to stop and take a deep breath! Its times like these I miss the
proximity of my friends. Why do they have to be an ocean or a province away? L
There are a lot of words or phrases that
start with the letter “P” on my mind lately.
Portuguese
Ninja: (the guy I like, really like)His name
ironically starts with “P” Usually really liking guys doesn’t end well for me.
So the question is do I have the patience to find out if its different this
time. Yes, but it sucks!
Phone
number: Ahwsdfhksdfksd! Why haven’t had enough stones
to ask for it yet?)
Pancakes: yum! How made ones are best, but there is a certain restaurant that
makes good ones too.
Patience: (but I mentioned that already briefly.)
Perpetual
anxiety: Ok well two words perpetual counts right?
It’s a persistent battle with this.
Pissed
of supervisors: Rawr not a place to write about
this…
Pooh-headed
individuals: You shouldn’t call people pieces of
shit, enough said!
Peacefulness: Although only momentarily, but I will take it when I can.
Parsimonious: not really a word on my mind, I just like the word :P Well I used
to be frugal
Pandiculation: This I do frequently also a word I like. The dictionary says it’s a
word, but spell checker says it is not?
Pantomime: me in a nut shell, apparently people can tell when I am distressed
due to my over expressiveness.
Perfectionist: Something not being how I think it should be makes me angry and
anxious
Pudding: how I feel when I am around people I like or I do or say something
inanely stupid. It’s a warm melty fear like feeling, perhaps its anxiety? Also
the finicky boxes I’ve put away at night. It irritates people, but I handle
them like a boss! :P
Problem
solving: Things I am working on! I need
resolutions!
Pain: Emotional pain! It hurts more than physical!
Preparation: Preparing myself for eventual outcomes, when I really should just
go with the flow.
Psyching
myself out: I have no need to explain this one.
I think I have gone on enough about the
letter P
Perhaps I should elaborate on the
Portuguese Ninja? I hope if things work out he will be MY Portuguese Ninja.
You see he got his knick name from my
friend Chris, whom I miss a lot. Here is how it happened. I was talking to
Chris on Facebook.
Me: Hopefully I can ask this guy to coffee its hard to sleep
when he is on my mind.
Chris: Multimedia Guy?
Me: No overnight stalking ninja guy! Irony, yes? You once said I was
from Portugal for some reason I have never determined and Mexican and Malaysian.
Chris: a Portuguese Ninja? This I’ve got to read!
So here is it’s
The Portuguese Ninja saga.
It started almost a month ago, maybe
longer. I met him at work. We seemed to connect over witty jokes, mean
supervisors, our love of sleep, etc. It suddenly became apparent when: “For The
Longest Time” started playing at work. It was one of those moments you know you
like someone, you’re not sure in what way and then all of sudden bam! Oh my God
I like him. It’s a sudden anxiety a pang in the heart. My stomach is in knots
and I think, oh please not again?!
My theories as to why this happens are the
following.
- I have no luck when it comes to guys; I think I like the wrong
ones because I know they will reject me so I don’t have to go through the
trouble of exposing myself to them and get hurt even more so.
- I subconsciously like the feeling of being in love despite the
negative effects of the love bug.
- I am extra sensitive so I fall way too quickly, I must be a
romantic at heart.
- \You can’t control who you like! It’s a 50/50 draw, blah, blah,
blah! We were made to love a person regardless of gender or race.
- He is are beautiful! :P To me that is!
So for about a week of discovering my love
sickness, I delude myself into being strong enough to ask him for coffee the
following week at work. HE WASN’T EVEN THERE! Well that just sets my anxiety into
overdrive. What if he quit? What if I missed my chance? It was OK, he was just
sick disaster averted. Phew! My anxiety went away for awhile.
Meanwhile Popcorn guy comes along and gives
me his number… Popcorn Guy comes to the movies at my other job frequently. He
seems friendly and we sort have a potential friendship. I realise now in
retrospect I should not have called him, but I didn’t know what was going on
with the ninja and I felt like I had too and umm yes…
Popcorn Guy turned out mighty creepy! He
came on way to strong. (Yes I know you like me, but you don’t have to tell me
every single text message.) I know technically I wasn’t doing anything wrong,
but I thought it was polite to give a guy a chance seeing as he was brave
enough to approach me. If not I learnt
what not to do in terms of courting the other. J
I’m slightly obsessive, but most who know
me, know that already. I digress…
Next week back…
Day
one: I
chickened out. I hated myself for it. I felt like I was going to dry up. My
friends at work said I had to take the plunge, by this point I think they knew
who he was. I’m terrible at keep secrets and such.
Day
two: My two friends both knowing I liked him
encouraged me and pretty much forced me to ask him. I had to write him a note
because I was way too nervous. So I did! I wrote him a nice note that said
would you like to go to coffee sometime after work with my number? He read it
and he turned to me and said yes we could definitely do that! My friends told
me to strut! It was definite confidence boosting moment. But would my anxiety,
confidence lacking self let me enjoy it for long? NO!
Day
three: Ummm no date was set for coffee?! Still
elated that he said yes mind you! My mom said she was so happy for me her
cheeks hurt. :P I gathered my courage and sat with him at lunch, where I found
out he likes Doctor Who and Red Dwarf! Yay!
Day
four: Still no coffee date? My obsessive self
destroyed my innards because of this. The part of me that dislikes me made fun
of me and said he probably only said yes to be nice and he’d change his mind. I
fought back and told myself to just be patient, it would all work out. Luckily
I had good friends to talk me through it. J Bestie friends that is!
Day
five: No coffee date, no phone calls, I’m
perpetually anxious and confused.
Somewhere between Day 1 and four I felt
like I was doomed. I had forced myself into a coffee date with Popcorn Guy, but
all I really wanted was the Portuguese Ninja. I felt like I was destined to
break Popcorn Guys heart. The fact that he couldn’t seem to figure out when I
was trying to set up the coffee date should have been a sign. You think he’d
get it when he tried to touch and I recoiled should have been a clue I was not
interested? Not to mention asking to kiss me after a coffee? Instant panic
mode! I knew right then and there not going to happen, even if Popcorn Guy also
liked Red Dwarf and Doctor Who.
Finally this week…
Day
one: Someone said he quit. I nearly had a heart
attack! Thinking nothing ever works out for me. Finally near the end of the
shift I actually was able to vocalise “Are we still on for coffee? Yay me! He
said yes again and I found out he wanted to know when. Figures! We arranged a
time! I decide to tell Popcorn Guy that I just want to be friends! He freaks
out at me, made it out that I was pursuing him, etc. Ummm no!
Day
two: Coffee after work yay! Everyone at work knows
about it…not so yay! Some friends suggest I wait awhile so I don’t push him
away.
Day
three: Now what? One even suggests he doesn’t want
a girlfriend. I think she was just concerned for my feelings. I stupidly
listened too her and prepared myself for rejection just to be safe. Stupid I
know. He gave me a ride home from work…
Day
Four: Still nothing, the asshole of a supervisor
said mean things about him…Grrrr….Details are better left unsaid.
Day
Five: Still upset over the night before, still
wondering if its OK to ask Portuguese Ninja out again….I decide to ask him
nicely when I see him next. I have to wait now because I was too chicken to ask
him for his number…
Day
six: After a
week of silence Popcorn Guy starts bugging me again! Me still wondering about
the other…
So yes in two more days I can finally ask
him for Pancakes at a certain restaurant! I told my mom this when she suggested
restaurant for breakfast yesterday morning. I said the only way I am going to
this restaurant is if it’s with a certain someone! “She gave me the OK then
Melissa look!” It was priceless; she probably thinks I have jumped off the deep
end of crazy.
So what have I learnt so far? Love sickness
is madness! It makes you bat shit crazy! Also from past mistakes it makes me
say, write and do things I am not proud of. I hope the people whom I’ve hurt
due to past word use have forgiven me. I hope I can forgive myself! Also patience is a virtue and good things are worth waiting for.
P.S. I know it will all work out!